The Cougar, the Geek and a Shotgun Wedding
by SASundance
Summary: Summary: Tobias Fornell theorised to his friend Leroy Jethro Gibbs that their ex-wife Diane had gotten herself transferred so she could work with NCIS because she was interested in rekindling the flame with Gibbs when her current marriage to Victor, faltered. What if he was right about her motives but wrong about the target? AU
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: The NCIS characters don't belong to me and I make no money from these stories. It is purely for entertainment purposes.

Rating: T

Warning: This is not a story for fans of Diane Sterling and if you are a huge McGee fan you might not like it either although he is rather a victim in the story.

Acknowledgments: I want to extend heartfelt thanks to Buckeyegirl0000, Faldo and Arress for all assisting me at various times with this pesky piece for their valuable feedback and BR skills.

Summary: Tobias Fornell theorised to his friend Leroy Jethro Gibbs that their ex-wife Diane had gotten herself transferred so she could work with NCIS because she was interested in rekindling the flame with Gibbs when her current marriage to Victor, faltered. What if he was right about her motives but wrong about the target? AU

A/N Okay this story has been languishing on my computer for months now. You could call it something of a problem child but hopefully like many so-called problem children it has proved to be worth all the angst in the end however I'll let you be the judge. It is a short 4 chapters and is already completed and was inspired by the Season X episode Devil's Trifecta. While I enjoyed parts of the episode - seeing Toby and Jethro reduced to gibbering jellyfish around their ex-wife was pretty funny, there were some things about the episode that just didn't sit right with me. I'll leave the rest of my rationale… er venting about why I wrote this piece to an end note and let you get on with reading the chapter. So I hope you like it:) Let me know what you think!

The Cougar the Geek and a Shotgun Wedding

Timothy McGee, former federal agent, stood at the altar awaiting his bride as she made her way down the aisle, and he wondered how he ended up here? In a shotgun wedding, no less, in 2013? His eyes travelling to the blooming bride, who was more than six months pregnant, her baby bump clearly obvious to even the most myopic of observers, despite the expensive haute couture…um the wedding dress she'd chosen to flatter her pregnant body. Hearing his mom and Sarah sniffling in the front pew as the ceremony was under way, he wondered how this all got so badly out of control.

For the last nine years he had been chasing the love of his life, and he had been so close to snaring her. He could feel her finally weakening, and now they would never be together, even though they were soul mates destined to be with each other. Instead of his Gothic Angel, here he was about to tie himself to Diane Sterling, nee Fornell, nee Gibbs, and two of her former husbands stood on either side of him as his best men as both had insisted (at the point of a Glock in Tobias' case, and a shotgun in Gibbs' on standing up beside him, and who was he to argue with such forceful persuasions? Perhaps even more bizarre was that Diane's latest ex-husband, Victor, was giving the bride away, and the junior bridesmaid was her and Fornell's daughter, his soon to be step-daughter once they were married.

It had started as what Tony referred to as his 'Mrs. Robinson' moment, and McGee put the blame fairly and squarely in the camp of Gibbs and Fornell, who were both too gutless to take their ex into protective custody and have her stay the night at their place. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time and they pounced on him, ordered him to take their ex-wife home for the night in protective custody. And when she demanded he hug her, he just didn't know how to refuse, and she sensed his weakness and took advantage of it. Strong women always seemed to be able to get him to do whatever they wanted and he couldn't say no, and after Diane had poured out her troubles over beer, she had then started digging into his love life. Somehow he found himself confessing about his unrequited longing for Abby and the fact that finally after nine years of waiting and hoping, he thought that Abby was ready for a relationship with him again. He pushed aside the emphatic statement she'd made about them being wrong for each other some years before. That had been ages ago and she was talking about Agent McGregor and Amy, not Abby Sciuto and Tim McGee.

Stupid… Stupid idiot, letting Diane see his soft underbelly. He'd just handed her the means to exploit him and that's exactly what she did. Suggesting that if he was a bit more bad-ass and less vanilla that Abby would come around, convincing him that she could help him become worldlier and less submissive. She guaranteed to help him to stand up for himself around assholes like his hard-ass boss and to give him the skills in the bedroom that would have Abby chasing him rather than the other way round. Diane swore that no one would ever find out about them sleeping together… she promised. And then what did she do when Gibbs and Fornell turned up on his doorstep at dark o'clock and found them asleep together on the sofa?

And what was that about anyway? Since when had Gibbs ever come to his apartment before, in all the eight and a half years he'd been working for him? Seriously, how bad was his luck that the one time his boss turned up on his doorstep and he used his emergency key to let himself in, was when he was in a compromising position with his ex-wife, and he just happened to have her other ex-husband with him who was also a bastard with a gun? Really, what were the odds?! He had the worst luck and his life sucked. Diane, despite her promise to keep their sexual exploits under wraps, was practically broadcasting it to the whole NCIS office, and although he kept denying that anything had happened between them, no one believed him.

Still, when the smuggling case was solved and they all moved on and then Mrs. Vance and Eli David had been killed, everything had spiralled out of control and he'd forgotten all about IRS Investigator Diane Sterling. Then when the crap hit the fan and they all resigned, he had bigger stuff to obsess about. But when Gibbs came back from his black ops mission from who knows where, Diane popped up divorced and pregnant… with triplets, claiming he was the daddy for Pete's sake!

Although the dates matched with that ill-fated night of frankly alarming sexual exploits (which hadn't even moved him any closer to convincing Abby to resume their short lived affair of nine years ago), he'd made sure he used a condom. Um, make that condoms, since Diane had insisted he needed to practise, and she had lots to teach him. God, no wonder he had been so exhausted that he never woke up until Gibbs and Fornell yelled at him. But the point was, he'd taken precautions, and she'd told him she was on birth control.

Regardless, there she was, pregnant and unwed, and Gibbs and Fornell insisted that he do the right thing and take care of his children. He'd tried to contact Tony for support, but he seemed to have gone off the grid ever since they'd resigned en masse, and although he'd called Tony Senior, he didn't know where his son was either. Tim pondered how Tony would react if he knew just how close he'd become to Anthony DiNozzo Senior. Last year when he was in town, he'd given Tim some really helpful financial advice about the benefits of off shore banking to minimise income tax, and Tim had even invested in one of his financial deals and made a healthy profit. After he lost his entire fortune from his first book deal speculating on dodgy hedge funds, he'd become paranoid about it happening again. The fact was that Senior obviously knew how to bounce back from bankruptcy, so it made sense to talk to the Phoenix who'd managed to rise up from the ashes.

He'd even agreed to help Senior to rebuild his relationship with Tony and he'd engineered the Christmas reconciliation with Abby's assistance. She'd thought Tony was being a jackass after he'd tossed his father out of his apartment. Tony didn't know how lucky he was to have a father that didn't criticise his every move, and it was the least he could do for Senior to help him make amends for whatever transgressions about which Tony seemed to harbour a grudge. Sure, he'd told them stories over the years about his childhood, but you really couldn't believe a tenth of what came out of DiNozzo's mouth.

What Tim did know was that Tony was a Drama Queen; he'd given him Hell over locking him out of the car when a dirtbag sicced a pack of attack trained Doberman Pinschers on a case this year. He'd managed to get to safety using the sunroof to get into the car, so Tim thought he was making a mountain out of a molehill… no doubt the same as he did with Senior. The more time he spent with the guy, the more he liked him…he was nothing like the Admiral.

So, while Tony wasn't around to advise him about his shotgun wedding, Senior had been there and offered his support. He strongly advised that before agreeing to marry Diane so his children would have his name, that he insist that Diane sign a pre-nuptial agreement since she was getting ready for marriage number four and she had a reputation - fully justified - of taking her exes to the proverbial cleaners. Senior had also gone with him to have a suit handmade for the wedding at his own personal tailors', and he was here in the chapel as Abby's date, providing him with much needed silent support as he prepared to say his vows. But each time he looked over at Senior, he saw him flirting outrageously with Abby, who in spite of coming to the wedding, was furious with him.

Tim had hoped that she was furious because she was jealous of Diane, but no, Abby was pissed off with him because she'd heard the transcripts of Gibbs' proposal to Diane when they had gone under cover to catch Mr. Big, and was convinced that he and Diane had broken Gibbs' heart, that he still loved his ex-wife. And if there was one thing that Abby wouldn't tolerate, it was anything that might hurt her damned Silver Fox, who could do no wrong it seemed. Frankly, Tim didn't think that Gibbs was in love with Diane, but if he was, then he was more than welcome to her. The only reason he was going through with this sham of a marriage was because she was pregnant, not to mention that he thought Gibbs and Fornell would shoot him if he didn't do the 'right thing'. And there was Abby, looking at Gibbs like someone had kicked his puppy, when it was Tim that needed all the sympathy he could get for having to marry a cougar slash She-Devil like Diane Sterling.

End Notes:

In canon, Diane has pretty much been painted as the devil incarnate with no redeemable features apart from being Emily Fornell's mother and yet in this episode she underwent one Hell of a serious makeover of her character. Returning Gibbs grandfather's watch (which let's not forget she stole ) along with a declaration that Jethro was her Shannon and all of a sudden her character was rehabilitated. Sorry but it just didn't work for me - she cheated on Gibbs, attacked him, cleaned out his bank account and stole something of deep sentimental value to him and essentially did the same thing with Fornell before moving on to the next victim. Nope not feeling any sympathy for her at all and feeling serious irritation with the writers for pulling the same trick that they did with Senior. For 7 years year he was a scumbag of a parent if you could use the word, who at best, emotionally abused and neglected his son but hey along comes the marketing coup of casting a popular leading man R.J. Wagner, and presto, he suddenly becomes a lovable rogue/ conman who really wasn't that bad of a dad after all. (Obviously all in Tony's fertile imagination.) Apparently it is now perfectly fine to disown a child of twelve or forget him in a hotel in Hawaii. Even worse, the team either fawn all over Senior sickeningly, flirt with him or tease Tony unmercifully and offer little emotional support when he is clear conflicted by having him around. In fact they get huge enjoyment out of seeing Tony rattled in a way that none of the others are subjected to when dealing with their own fathers.'

So I set out in my AU story to redress the imbalance and return both characters to their original roles of being evil incarnate lol. The only trouble was that I wrote the first two chapters prior to the new season starting and it always felt incomplete somehow. Then the new season started and I really wasn't sure what to do with it. Thus it sat for the longest time on my computer before I finally ended up writing two more chapters to complete the story in a way that I was happy with. Although maybe Gibbs and Fornell are not so happy but at least I have saved Toby from a fate worse than death IMHO – hooking back up with Diane. Makes me feel like puking at the thought to be honest!


	2. Chapter 2

Warnings: Not for fans of Diane or Senior and probably not for Tim fans either.

A/N First off thanks to everyone who read, reviewed, alerted and favourite. Your support as always is very much appreciated.

Let me just clarify something that seems to be causing some confusion. As stated in the story summary, this work is classified as humour/parody and while I hesitate to label it a crack fic since it isn't a one shot it most definitely is meant to be satirical in nature. Its intent is to poke fun at (parody) an episode (Devils Trifecta) which AFAIC fulfills much of the criteria to be itself considered crack fic* that would have to approach Doppelganger back in Season 2 (again IMHO) as being beyond any and all credibility for what is supposed to be a procedural show. In this case, the episode was simply ludicrous e.g. Diane was simply too old to be appointed as a probationary IRS investigatory agent. (Check the age limit at the IRS website if you need convincing) and I simply can't believe that the IRS, even with the most severe of budgetary constraints would ever be so unprofessional as to allow one of its operatives to use real documentation to go under cover, especially endangering a fellow federal agent in the process.

With regard to my end note last chapter, I am pleased but not all that surprised that other people share a similar view too about how characters are rewritten with scant regard to canon. Not sure why my holding those views would negate the fact that this piece is meant to be a parody. Comedy has long been the vehicle that many have chosen to express their outrage, disgust or disbelief and it is definitely how I chose to express my feelings too. Hope you enjoy the next chapter where characters will behave OOC, stupidly, unbelievably and outrageously but also will retain many of their acknowledged traits even if sometimes exaggerated.

*Crack fic as defined by Urban Dictionary dot com: A type of fan fiction (or original fiction) that is intentionally unbelievable and insane; often humorous. Usually short, one-shot stories.

The Cougar, the Geek and a Shotgun Wedding

Two Months Later

Tony DiNozzo arrived at the swanky private maternity clinic that charged an arm and a leg to pop out the offspring off the well-heeled and well-connected in DC. He was hurrying since McFreak-Out sounded like he was about to hyperventilate as Diane went into labour. He had only gotten back in the country a couple of days ago and learned about the mess the Probie had gotten himself into. When he found all the messages he'd left on his landline, Tony felt a mite guilty, but he never imagined that Tim was going to tell him he'd ended up being trapped into marrying Diane and becoming the father of triplets. Of course, Tim had berated him when he contacted him, yelling at him for not answering all the text messages and emails he'd sent him, but Tony had told him he'd never received them, which was the truth.

After he'd resigned, Tony had chucked his phone and closed his email accounts and made plans to head off on an extended sojourn overseas, with an extensive tour of Italy and the Greek Isles. He'd deliberately gone to ground as he dealt with the fallout from the situation with Parsons and the whole Ilan Bodnar debacle, and truth be told, he'd needed a holiday for a long time. He also had to get his head on straight again. He needed to get some distance from his ex-team mates, and with that distance he saw in hindsight that he had been a damn fool to have sacrificed all his job opportunities over the years in the mistaken belief that the team needed him.

It was time to start looking after number one for a change, and that had never been made plainer than when he discovered that Gibbs - basement, bourbon and boat hermit - even had a life, including a cabin that he'd never seen fit to share with his SFA, despite demanding that he gave his all for the team. Or the fact that he'd banned them from digging any dirt on the slimy little weasel called Parsons because after all these years of not bothering to play by any rules but his own, he suddenly had an attack of conscience about all of his transgressions. Which was fine for him, but it wasn't as if Tony had ever gone off lone wolf to avenge a family member or cover up for someone close to him, yet he wasn't supposed to defend his career. But since he was the loyal Saint Bernard, when they decided to resign en mass to protect Gibbs, he'd gone along with it, too… even if he felt like he really hadn't done anything that he needed to apologise for. No hacking, no murder for revenge, no looking the other way for friends or family, no losing evidence. So he had no job and Gibbs was still running around with his badge on some ultra-secret Black Ops mission.

Although initially a reluctant resignee, Tony now felt like he had been detoxing from a particularly nasty virus or addiction, and now he saw everything a great deal clearer - high definition, in fact. Still, it was nice to be home, even if there was a whole heap of panicked messages from Tim clogging up his landline answering machine. So, he called his former team mate and was shocked to find out what had been going on in his absence. Even while trying to wrap his head around it, a part of him smelled a rat, and he promised to meet up with McGee ASAP to catch up. Meanwhile, he decided to trust his gut and do a bit of digging. As Abbs would say, there was something pretty damned hinky about this whole set-up. Ducky would no doubt say that something was definitely rotten in the state of Denmark.

He remembered Fornell's theory during the case where Diane had nearly cost him his life by going undercover using her old ID as Diane Fornell and Fornell ending up with a contract hit taken out on him. And how dumb was that? Not to mention unprofessional, but then again, what do you expect when the whack-job was an accountant running around playing cops and robbers? No real federal law enforcement agency would hire someone of her age without investigatory experience. But Tobias was sure that she got transferred into their area so she would have an excuse to work professionally with NCIS because she was looking to hook up with Gibbs again. Tony figured that Toby was half right, but not about the target, since Gibbs wasn't exactly loaded. Now, he just needed to do some digging.

As he stepped out of the elevator to wait in the family room near the delivery suite and sent a text telling McGee he'd arrived, he looked around and did a double take to see that all three of Diane's ex-husbands were there waiting, and what the hell was that about? He might be a child of a pair of drunks and therefore had a rather hinky perspective of what made a happy family, but even to him it looked dysfunctional to have all the exes waiting in the wings. He could maybe understand Toby being there waiting with Emily, but why Gibbs and Victor would be there he had no idea.

And hanging off Gibbs was Abbs, treating him like he was made of glass, and what was that all about? It seemed a lot had been going on in his absence, and now Gibbs and Abby would want to know where he'd been. Apparently after filling up his answering machine along with McGee, they'd been haunting his apartment and harassing his neighbours, trying to locate him. He sighed, knowing that what he'd discovered was going to have to wait for another day when it wasn't so damned crowded.

It was a week before he had a chance to confront Tim's new wife. Tim had invited him over for dinner and Tony pulled up at the curb of the gated community, trying very hard not to think too much about the fact that ironically, this place reminded him of Royal Woods. That was where he'd been undercover getting voice recordings to trace the terrorists that were trying to convince the government to focus attention - read funding - within their own borders. He really should have got his shit together and left then after Tim and Ziva had gotten fed up listening to him and turned off his microphone and left his ass hanging out in the breeze with no backup.

Heaving a sigh, he wondered why he was bothering to have Probie's six on this, but regardless of all the crap his team members had put him through, he couldn't help himself. McGee had that deer in the headlight look when he'd seen him at the hospital when Diane had popped out Ethan, Elwynn and Eloise. _Serious, didn't Diane realise there were another 25 letters in the alphabet? And he definitely blamed Diane, since he had no illusions that McGee got any say in naming the triplets._

McGee was well and truly under her thumb, but then again, that was not a surprise. Between Gibbs and the Admiral, not to mention being completely submissive with strong women like his grandmother, Abby and Ziva, even his sister, he was like a whipped puppy when they wanted him to do something he didn't want to do. And Diane had probably sized him up when she met Gibbs' team the first time they worked a case with her, when Victor had been kidnapped a couple of years before. Women like her who liked to control men, could sniff out weakness just as easily as they breathed in oxygen. And seeing her turn two über alpha males like Gibbs and Fornell into gibbering idiots, honestly, what chance did a submissive probie stand in being able to outwit Mrs. Robinson? So, while said henpecked probie was upstairs giving the triplets their baths and putting them to bed, Tony pounced.

"So, Diane, does Tim know that you found out about his dubious off-shore bank accounts?" he said, firing the first shot.

Diane McGee smirked triumphantly. "Nu uh, I was keeping that one up my sleeve. In the end I didn't need to use it to 'convince' him to marry me. Leroy and Tobias did a great job persuading him to tie the knot without that particular tid-bit." Her self-satisfied smugness rankled him no end, as did Jethro and Toby's incongruous behaviour.

Tony admitted that he was pissed that McGee was dumb enough to listen to Senior about investing his money from his McGemcity books. He'd told them all that Senior was a con man, but they all fawned all over him like he was a damned movie star. He couldn't believe how they'd all taken his old man's side at Christmas time when he'd finally stood up to him – well, apart from refusing to join the business, and finally refused to accept his outrageous behaviour with his neighbour. Frankly, it had been a massive milestone for him and he could have done with their support, but they'd gone behind his back and dragged his dad back and in a moment of sentimental weakness with his Christmas traditions surrounding him and his team mates expressing their belief he was over reacting, he'd capitulated and behaved like an eight year old again. His therapist had given him a heap of grief over it, and he didn't blame her. He'd felt like an alcoholic that had taken the first big step in going dry, and then at the first challenge, he'd fallen off the wagon.

As much as he'd vowed on his extended holiday to stop trying to look after everyone on Gibbs' team and move on, finding that Senior had convinced Tim to invest his money in a tax-free haven, he wanted to give him a massive boot up the butt. It also made him feel responsible for the FUBAR that Tim had made of his life. He was going to try to help him minimise the damage from the whole damned mess. If he hadn't been so weak, he would have made Senior leave when he first turned up at his workplace. _Still_, a voice whispered in his ear, _they were all trained investigators, and McGee was a genius who should have known better._

Focusing on the woman, who he decided must surely be a reincarnation of the Sirens that lured dumb libidinous sailors onto the rocks, he continued their verbal parrying. "That when you got the idea that marrying Tim was a Hell of a better lifestyle than your average federal agent? I mean with the royalties from his books and the advances and all the endorsements and appearance fees, he's worth a Hell of a lot more than Gibbs or Fornell. Let you live in the lap of luxury," he drawled, gesturing to the huge palatial home that she'd insisted they buy before the triplets were born.

"So, instead of reporting what you'd found out about his questionable tax minimisation scheme to your superiors, you decided he would make the perfect fourth husband, especially since Victor was getting ready to kick you to the curb and his bank account was suddenly seriously depleted of funds. I guess he heard about you screwing over your first two saps, er, husbands." He mocked her.

Suddenly her smirk had turned to fury as she spat out an insult. "Screw you, DiNozzo."

"Oh, no, there's not a chance in Hell of that ever happening, Diane. Never ever in a million years." He smirked, his trademark grin lighting his face. "I'm just not attracted to gold-diggers. So, anyway… you decided instead of reporting Tim, you'd trap him into marrying you. You visited a fertility clinic and started taking hormones to improve your ability to get pregnant, because let's face it, you're not exactly 25 anymore. Does Tim know that you won't see 45 again?" Tony taunted her, "Pretty well-preserved for your age, I'll give you that much. Plastic surgeon on speed dial, Diane?" He asked sweetly

He watched amused as she flew at him; hand in a claw ready to scratch his eyes out. He effortlessly restrained her as he chuckled. "And that's why you'll never be a real fed, lady. Because you might carry a gun and a badge but you have no real training or experience in hand to hand. Don't make me hurt you." He tossed her effortless back on the expensive leather sectional sofa before continuing.

"So, once you were on fertility drugs for a while, you were planning to manufacture an excuse to come to see Gibbs at NCIS and seducing McGee, which of course would be like taking candy from a baby. He didn't stand a chance against you, but as luck would have it, you almost got your ex Toby killed and ended up working with us. It gave you a chance to torment Gibbs and Fornell and gave you unfettered access to McGee, so it was a win-win situation for you. No wonder you were so damn smug!"

Diane glared at him, but made no move to get off the sofa, although Tony thought if looks could kill, he'd be pet food. "Toby and Jethro nearly wet themselves when they saw my badge and Vance ordered a joint investigation," she conceded grudgingly.

"You must have pissed yourself laughing when they ordered the Probie to take you home for the night. And you had probably figured out right away that Tim was totally whipped by the strong women in his life, and you'd easily be able to have your wicked way with him. I guess you switched the condom on him for one you'd prepared earlier?" Tony probed, although he already knew the truth.

"Condoms," she admitted. "I had to make sure I maximised my chances.

"Eww, TMI! I guess that explains why he didn't stir when you sent bogus text messages to Gibbs and Fornell purporting to be from each other, suggesting that they should check up on you and McGee. Or how you managed to get back on the sofa without waking him up."

Diane looked surprised. "How could you possibly know that?" she demanded.

Tony grinned at her, "I didn't, not for sure until you just admitted it. But it made sense. Gibbs had never been to Tim's apartment before, and they worked together for nine years. And you needed witnesses to the fact that you and McGee were doing the nasty, because otherwise who'd believe it?"

She scowled at him before fluttering her eyelashes coquettishly, and Tony had to force himself not to laugh in her face.

"You know, Tony; I would have really enjoyed seducing you so much more. It would have been a lot more of a challenge despite your reputation, and I love a challenge. But with your father ruining the family fortune, not to mention disowning you when you were 12 years old, well, you wouldn't have been able to give me this," and she indicated the house and her designer clothing.

"Oh, yeah, Diane I would have definitely been a challenge. I've had lots of practise with gold-diggers trying to trap me over the years, all of them after the family fortune... or my trust fund." Tony informed her. He saw her surprise. "I guess you never bothered to check past the DiNozzo name, or you might have discovered the trust fund my mum (she was English you know and hated to be called mom) set it up for me in her maiden name."

Diane's features were initially shocked, but quickly turned predatory. No doubt wondering exactly how much money she'd let slip through her fingers. He chuckled inwardly, wondering just how pissed the red-haired IRS official would be if she discovered that the Paddington fortune made the DiNozzo empire that Senior had managed to squander so carelessly look like chicken feed in comparison. He'd told his team mates that his Uncle Clive had given his fortune to his cousin Crispian, but that had been a slight exaggeration. Crispian had been given a modest bequest, and while it was a mere fraction of Clive Paddington's estate, it still left him a very wealthy young man.

The rest of his Uncle Clive's fortune, including the vast philanthropic endeavours which rivalled the Rothschild's foundations, had been bequeathed to one Anthony Daniel Paddington. Very few people knew that when he was 18 he'd legally changed his name to Paddington, although to keep his connection to his mother's people on the QT, he'd continue to use his father's family name professionally. It was in his file, of course, but buried so deep in security that even Gibbs and Vance hadn't had a clue to his financial status. Diane would go ballistic if she ever found out!

He'd already had the Paddington phalanx of expensive corporate lawyers start working to make sure that the joint bank account of the McGees' was safe, so when Diane left Tim, and she would when she found someone better, richer, more worldly, she wouldn't clean him out like she had Gibbs and Fornell. Tony was also going to organise DNA tests to establish paternity, as he wouldn't put it past her to lie about McGee being the father, since he could easily see her using a sperm donor to make sure she fell pregnant. And he was so going to rip McGordonGekko a new one and make sure the idiot moved his bank accounts back into the country before he ended up in jail for tax evasion.

For such a smart guy, Mr. MIT was surprisingly dumb sometimes, but then again, he'd had his identity stolen twice, and his novel notes filched by a crazed fan, so he really did need a minder to keep him out of trouble. They might not be team mates any more, but McGee was always going to be his probie.


	3. Chapter 3

The Cougar, the Geek and a Shotgun Wedding

Chapter 3

Gibbs drained his coffee, his very, very strong coffee; even by his standards it was extra strong. He needed it since he'd been up all night just about and for the last three days he had barely any sleep, either. While in the Marines he'd been trained to adapt to sleep deprivation, but he still needed to take a couple of 20 minute naps per day if he didn't want to end up in a psychotic state. The problem was that every time he nodded off, they'd cry and he'd be jerked awake to get up and go make sure they were okay. It seemed as if the triplets had a tacit agreement to take it in turns to need a diaper change, be hungry or get colic so that once one went down to sleep, another would wake up crying and disturb their siblings. Not to mention Gibbs too.

The last couple of days had been tough. Ethan was teething and so he'd been feverish, was filling his diapers with foul diarrhoea and wouldn't sleep, so he kept waking up the other two. Then to make matters worse, last night Eloise had been fussy and drooling and come morning her diaper was filled with the typical 'I'm cutting teeth' crap and Gibbs knew that the other symptoms wouldn't be far behind. And Elwynn, the good triplet had projectile vomited all over him barely ten minutes ago. Sure he'd wiped most of it off himself, but some of the puke had gone into his hair and god- only- knows where else or when he'd get a chance to have a shower and shampoo the puke outta his hair. Since he started looking after the triplets he sometimes went days between showers and all he could smell was the sickly sweet smell of baby puke or poop on himself. Disgusting… he really hoped that no one stopped by to visit until he got a chance to clean himself up.

Truly, at times he asked himself what had possessed him to volunteer to care for Diane and McGee's triplets. When Kelly was a baby it seemed to be such a piece of cake caring for his little angel. She was such a terrific baby and it had been a dream looking after her. But even as he thought about his daughter as a baby, his bad angel was whispering '_Really Gibbs, or is that that you were at work most of the time and when you were home there was two of you to take it in turns to change her, feed her, play with and keep her amused while the other one could eat, nap and get time alone in the bathroom?"_Perhaps in the aftermath of her death he may have idealised her just a tad, he conceded to himself.

So again he had to ask himself _what the Hell had he been thinking in taking in three five month old babies, for Pete's sake?_ Well it was partly guilt he supposed. Guilt that he hadn't been Diane's Shannon; that he'd used her to try to replace his beloved wife, even while he hated her for not being Shannon and guilt for hurting her when he divorced her. Guilt too because he should have been a man instead of a mouse that night last year and manned up or made Fornell man up and take her into protective custody. He'd taken perfect stranger's home to his place during cases when they'd needed to be placed in protective custody without even a moment's thought but he was scared to have Diane stay in the house they'd shared during their brief marriage. Fobbing her off onto McGee had been pretty gutless and wow hadn't she'd taken advantage of the naive Elf Lord.

Of course, after Tony gave him the low down on how she had zeroed in on his junior agent because of his own stupid wealth creation schemes courtesy of that slimy bastard AD, and Jethro knew that her own base materialism meant that sooner or later she would have engineered a meeting between herself and Tim. But he wouldn't have effectively been the one to hand her the loaded gun and perhaps McGee might have managed to brush her off – _yeah right._But HE had facilitated the seduction resulting in the conception of Ethan, Eloise and Elwynn and that meant that he felt responsible for their future. After all someone had to step up and look after them since their parents couldn't.

It seemed that Diane had been checking on a lot of feds before she'd finally settled on McGee as her best prospect, based on his financial portfolio. Yet she hadn't been as discreet or as smart as she thought because she'd left a clear digital trail that had been picked up as part of some sort of internal security audit at the IRS. From there they'd investigated further and come across evidence that McGee had engaged in some very questionable accounting practices and started to investigate him too. While AD had assured McGee that his financial advice was just this side of legal, insisting vehemently that it was tax avoidance, the IRS didn't agree deeming it tax evasion. They'd duly charged McGee with tax evasion, a felony crime. They also prosecuted Diane for concealing McGee's tax evasion since she was as an officer of the courts and an IRS investigator and her crimes were considered even more serious.

McGee was tried and found guilty, fined $250 000 and sentenced to 4 years jail with time off for good behaviour – and this was Tim they were talking about- - so it was pretty much a given that he'd get out early. But he was now a convicted criminal and with a felony conviction he wouldn't ever again get a job in law enforcement, and there would be plenty of other jobs that would now be barred to him, too – the dumbass. Gibbs just hoped he had enough smarts enough not to start writing a book series about his experiences in prison or his cells mates might object a lot more strongly than his NCIS team mates had.

Diane was still waiting to be sentenced since her case was more complex with her using the IRS resources to troll for potential partners along with her failing to report McGee's tax evasion and her admission to DiNozzo ( that he'd been smart enough to tape) that she'd intended to use the information she'd discovered to blackmail him if he'd refused to marry her. Actually when Gibbs had listened to the whole tape he'd been pretty damned chagrined at how easily she'd played them all. Why had he and Fornell been so damned gormless?

So with both of the triplets parents incarcerated, when Gibbs heard that the Social Services had taken the babies into foster care he had been furious. But Diane had no living relatives to look after them and Tim's family had refused to step up to the plate. McGee's mother had taken the Admiral into her home, against her second husband's wishes to nurse him in his final months battling cancer and couldn't cope with more. Tim's sister Sarah has sniffed disapprovingly, muttering something about a gold digging cougar. Said she was off on a year-long backpacking adventure around the world in search of life experiences that would enable her to write the Great American Novel. Said she was just too young to be tied down with three puking babies, especially ones that weren't even her brother's biological offspring.

And yes it seemed that Tony's gut had been correct and in order to maximise her chances of falling pregnant, along with her taking fertility drugs, Diane had been undergoing IVF treatments using donations from a sperm bank. When Tony had organised a paternity test and confronted her with the results she'd professed to be ignorant as to who was actually the real father of her babies and they'd been inclined to believe that. After all it would have been easier to convince Tim he was the father if she really believed it too.

Meanwhile, Tim's grandmother Penny had also ruled out taking in the triplets since she was too busy saving the world, specifically focusing on the situation in Syria. Gibbs supposed it was a laudable undertaking after all but still what about three little babies in foster care? So that left Ethan, Eloise and Elwynn like shags on a rock as Jackson would say, and Gibbs feeling like he needed to step up and look after them. They hadn't asked to be brought into the world, after all.

When he decided to foster the babies since no one else was offering to, he realised that he was going to have to retire and he knew it was a big step. While he often second guessed his decision about taking on the care of three small babies - like several times a day - he was shocked at how much he missed his job. He missed being able to talk to adults –_okay he missed being able to bark, growl and yell at other people, since he couldn't take his frustrations out on the triplets, obviously. If he did have a melt down and lose his temper they had cruel and unusual forms of retribution to make him pay for any temporary relief of his anger._

_He looked over at the clock,__ w_ondering if he had time to jump into the shower and get rid of the puke in his hair when the phone rang.

"Gibbs" He barked with his typical phone etiquette, forgetting momentarily that he was trying not to wake up the crew upstairs since they were all finally sleeping; so he lowered his voice to almost a whisper.

"Gibbs," A harassed and oddly familiar voice gasped hurriedly. "I need a favour."

Not known to beat around the bush Gibbs responded, "Who the Hell is this?"

"Um…ah it's FBI Special Agent Ron Sacks. I was wondering if I could drop Emily Fornell off at your house."

"Not running a damned crèche here Sacks."

"Yeah, I'm aware of that but Fornell pleaded with me to call you to ask if you'd look after Emily cuz I've gotta take him to hospital. Looks like his GSW became infected and he's sporting a pretty awesome fever. The EMT's reckon he needs to be admitted to hospital for IV antibiotic therapy and surgical debriding of the wound, maybe, but the idiot is refusing to go unless you'll look after Emily since um her mother can't…obviously."

_Crap, more stuff for him to feel guilty about. It had seemed a pretty harmless prank, shooting Tobias in the ass in order to get to the dirtbag he was protecting but Hells bells Gibbs wasn't laughing now. How was he supposed to look Emily in the eye knowing her father was in hospital with a festering ass because of him?_

"Yeah okay bring Emily round, Sacks. And tell him to get his butt into the damned bus and go to hospital."

Goddamn it what a mess. Still, maybe he could at least get Em to watch her siblings while he took a shower. Ten minutes later he was comforting a sobbing clingy little girl that reminded him a little too much of Kelly as she sobbed her heart out. Finally, when the tears had died down, she sniffled before asking him a question.

"Uncle Gibbs, if my Daddy dies will the judge let my mommy come home to look after me?" And Gibbs, looking at the tear-stained face, felt like a complete and utter bastard.

Taking both of her softly rounded cheeks in his calloused hands he tried to smile at her encouragingly, but it was hard. Hard for a whole lotta reasons: his guilt at what he'd done, his anger that all of this should happen to an innocent kid, not to mention fear because he really didn't know all that much about the condition of his old friend. Plus he was out of practice trying to comfort anyone and he stunk at it anyway. Still he had to try… for both their sakes.

"Listen to me, Emily Jade Fornell, your dad is going to be just fine," he stated confidently, hoping it was also the truth. "And I don't think that your mommy is going to be allowed to come home yet, Emmy. She did some things that were bad and she has to be punished just like you do when you do something naughty."

"But Uncle Gibbs, who's going to look after me if Daddy can't, will I end up going to an orphanage," She wailed pathetically and Gibbs remembered that Kelly used to read stories about waifs in orphanages. She especially loved the story of Little Orphan Annie.

"I'm going to look after you til your dad is back home from hospital, Miss Emily and in the meantime, you can help me look after baby Ethan, Eloise and Elwynn."

"Really, Uncle Gibbs - can I really help? Really truly, honest to goodness pinkie swear promise? "

"Sure you can, Emmy." He promised, hoping that he could cope with four kids on his own and hoping that Tobias made one Hell of a fast recovery.

"Uncle Gibbs?"

"Yeah Emmy."

"How come you smell like baby puke?"


	4. Chapter 4

Warnings: Not for fans of Diane or Senior and probably not for Tim fans either. Actually, in this chapter I believe I've totes outdone myself and managed to insult just about everyone. No I lie - Toby, Tony, Emily and the triplets come off relatively unscathed if a bit battered. But hey, Fornell escapes the clutches of the She-devil so I don't think he has all that much to be mad about lol. Despite his whumpage, I really think he should be thanking me!Okay glad that's out of the way!

A/N First off thanks to everyone who read, reviewed, alerted and favourited. Your support as always is very much appreciated and I loved your comments. Apologies for making anyone choke so I'm playing safe and issuing a health warning here. Reading this final chapter may be hazardous to your health and you should do so at your own risk and not sue. This chapter isn't betaed but I hope you enjoy :)

Just to clarify: Jesco123 - no Tim was not the father of the triplets although up until the paternity test Diane didn't know if her sperm donor had fathered Ethan, Eloise and Elywnn or McGee did. Nash Carter - re their names - I've hung out with a lot of dog breeders over the years and it is quite common for them to pick a letter of the alphabet and use it when naming the litter. *Shrugs* Seemed like the Cougar might do the same thing. And finally, to guest yes I am working on the next Chapter of An Eye for an Eye Leaves Everyone Blind even as I type this... well obviously that's a slight exaggeration :D but I am hoping to have the story finished soon.

The Cougar, The Geek and a Shotgun Wedding

Chapter 4

One month later:

Tony was leaving the bull pen after his first full week as team lead of the MCRT. Well his second stint as Team Lead but this time was for keeps. He looked at the empty desks and thought about his new team. After Gibbs retired to look after Diane's sad little sprogs when she was charged with multiple counts of tax fraud and illegal activities as a IRS agent, the new Sec Nav had offered him the chance to head up the team.

At first he was uncertain if he wanted to go back to NCIS but she'd sweetened the pot by giving him carte blanche to pick his own team but that hadn't been enough. He'd sought reassurance that the situation that had seen Ziva and Leon Vance seek retribution for the deaths of Eli David and Jackie Vance using agency resources even when ordered not to go after the killer by Homeland Security, never be allowed to happened again.

Sec Nav had promised him and gone further, promising that she would have Vance under a microscope and if he ever even looked covetously at anyone else's toothpick, she would have his job. Frankly, while Tony sympathized with the man on a personal level, he'd been a cop and federal agent for too damned long for vigilantism to ever sit comfortably with him. He really thought Vance should have lost his job but in the end he decided to trust Sec Nav and pray for the best. _Man he hoped he wasn't crazy!_

So he set about filling three vacant slots on the MCRT since along with Gibbs' retirement and Probie's incarceration, Ziva had stayed in Israel. She'd suddenly had an attack of conscience about all of the people she had dispatched as a Kidon assassin although Tony noted cynically that she was seemly unaffected by the life of the Deputy Director of Mossad she'd taken in vengeance while she was an NCIS agent. Rather like Gibbs, who had also had an sudden attack of conscience too about his bending um breaking of various laws over his tenure - ironically his attack had resulted in his agents resigning so he kept his job. Yeah go figure. Thinking of Ziva's own epiphany so soon after Gibbs, Tony concluded that attacks of conscience must be contagious although obviously directors must be automatically inoculated and thus immune. Probably got it along with the annual H1N1 flu jab!

As her friend, much as he would miss Ziva since she'd returned to Israel to find herself… to seek absolution… to come to terms with the past, braid her hair, contemplate her navel and whatever else she wanted to achieve, as an NCIS agent and now the Senior Agent of the MCRT he was frankly relieved. It had been a mistake for her to be appointed liaison officer when Cate had been killed and it had been even more of a mistake to let her come back after Somalia as an NCIS agent. It would have been a disaster to think she would follow his lead now that the team was his. She had deliberately concealed from him, her immediate superior, that she was using agency resources and personnel to pursue Ilan Bodnar and refused to listen when he was reamed her and McGee out when he belatedly found out about it. Truth be told, he probably would have refused to lead the team if Ziva had still been on it.

Now, as he thought about the new members of the MCRT he smiled, satisfied with the composition of said team although it would take some time for them all to gel. The probie Ellie Bishop was green of course but was shaping up pretty well. Maria Ramos was their new intelligence/ computer Goddess having served with the NYPD in a similar position. He heard a lot of great things about her from a couple of his cop buddies before stealing um aggressively acquiring her, although she had still to do the obligatory training at FLETC. Nevertheless she'd been given advanced standing for a number of the courses due to her skills and years served at NYPD. Not to mention her impressive scores at the Police Academy but technically, she would also be a probationary agent too even though she was a beat cop before specialising in intelligence analysis. Tony knew her skills and experience were not those of a rookie so he wasn't worried about her having his six in the field, or the bullpen either.

The final member of the team had worked very briefly with the old MCRT which was a black mark in his mind since Tony had wanted a completely fresh slate but the pros of Dwayne outweighed that one con as far as he was concerned. That was one reason why he hadn't selected Dornie and he knew the guy was crushed, expecting that he'd get a slot after working with them frequently over the last few years and having several places to fill. But Tony knew what he wanted and Dornie just hadn't fit in with the combination he was searching for. Maybe he'd get a shot at a later date, when the team was more settled if a slot opened up. While getting to choose three new members was an awesome opportunity it was also a heap of pressure as well. Dwayne Wilson was a former Marine and he'd fought hard to get a degree so he could apply to become a federal agent but Tony thought he'd work out well. He was hungry to succeed and he could relate to that.

Tony hadn't decided yet if Dwayne or Maria was going to be his SFA because although both had various skills that would be useful, they both had impediments to him appointing them to the position. Technically, although an experienced cop with ten years of service, Maria was a probationary agent and he would have to wait for her to serve out her period of probation. As for Wilson, Tony was pretty certain that there was no way that Vance would agree to appoint Dwayne without him obtaining a higher degree. He had been pretty scornful of him graduating from a community college – degree snob! Neither problem was insurmountable though in his opinion; it was still early days yet for the new MCRT and he could manage without a senior field agent for now.

Getting into his car, Tony headed over to Alexandria to eat dinner at Casa Gibbs. As was his custom when he visited nowadays, he made life easier for the harried new papa by picking up takeout Chinese and had already placed the order. Like Gibbs, he couldn't help but feel guilty about the triplets and McCredulous too because of Senior's role in the whole sorry saga. And like the original Teflon Man, Senior had avoided the fallout from his dodgy financial advice, sunning his ass off, alternating between Andorra and The Maldives where the authorities had been unable to extradite him. So even though it wasn't his fault, Tony had set up a trust fund for the three unfortunate victims of this whole mess. It would pay for their college educations and any other major expenses that might emerge, along with sufficient funds for them to live comfortably.

He set it up so that Gibbs was a trustee along with himself and Jimmy Palmer so there was absolutely no way that 'Devious Devil Diane' would be able to get her grubby mitts on it… ever. He'd even managed to convince Gibbs to use some of the money to hire a housekeeper and a part time nanny to help out for a few hours a day. It had turned out to be a godsend since Fornell had gotten shot in the ass and subsequently developed an infection.

Seems that Tobias picked up an infection while he was in the hospital the first time and not just any infection, but a nasty antibiotic resistant bug known as MRSA. The docs kept debriding the wound surgically which he knew was a fancy way of saying that they had to keep cutting more and more of Toby's butt cheek out as it turned into a rotting festering mass of flesh. _Ewww_! Talk about karma coming back to bite you on the ass.

Then the poor bastard developed septicaemia and almost died before somehow miraculously pulling through. When he was finally discharged, he was a shadow of his usual obnoxious self and had lost a good 20 pounds, not to mention most of one of his butt cheeks and was unable to sit down. It was obvious to everyone that he couldn't look after himself, let alone Emily, nor was she old enough to look after him and inevitably they'd ended up moving in with Gibbs. Apparently, when Fornell had recovered enough they were going to hook him up with a plastic surgeon who was going to give him a butt implant and skin graft but Tony thought that with Toby's luck, the rest of his ass might just drop off too.

Or, one of Tobe's enemies would pay the nip-tuck-ers to fit him with the Kim Kardashian sized butt implant rather than the Geoffrey Rush* butt cheek. Not only would that suck big-time when it came to getting good fitting pants, it would make sitting down damned difficult. And even more importantly it would totally mess up his aim when he tried to fire his Glock since he'd be totally off balance. Tony wondered whether the fibbie had ever been given five minutes alone with Gibbs to get some recompense since he'd shot his best friend's ass off. If he was Tobias he'd probably have shot the SOB in the gonads.

Since he had the whole weekend off, Tony decided he'd offer to take Emily to the movies tomorrow. He didn't know what kids movies were on right now but he figured there'd be something they could go see. He wasn't real good with kids but he figured she deserved a break away from the triplets, Uncle Gibbs and her dad who if he wasn't sleeping, was grumping at everyone cuz he was still so frail.

She wasn't a bad little kid, unlike that rug rat years ago that had been a mini-me carbon copy of Gibbs – a fifty-something in a six year old body – now that had been just plain freaky. The precocious kid had called them onto the case himself when his dad had disappeared at the fairground and critiqued his interrogation technique, little brat! Nor like the obnoxious adolescent jerk who'd conned Gibbs into handing over Tony's expensive special order sunglasses. _Note to self not to act like a butthole with his baby agents and take their gear or steal their food. Hmm wonder if he should start his own set of rules – not for his agents but his own personal credo as their leader_.

After they'd polished off an impressive amount of Chinese food, Diane's sprogs woke up, yelling their lungs out lustily and Gibbs brought them down to feed them. Gibbs took Ethan while Emily pleaded to be allowed to feed Eloise and Tobias took Elwynn as he was the most placid of the trio, although his strength soon faded and he looked about ready to drop the kid. Gibbs swooped in protectively and gathered up the baby, unceremoniously dumping the kid into Tony's lap complete with bottle, telling him to complete the feed.

Despite his protestations his former boss gave him 'the look' and then ignored his objections. Seeing that Emily was able to feed one of the Cougar's spawn, Tony decided it couldn't be that hard and decided to suck it up and get on with it. Still, Gibbs' close proximity when he gave him the baby brought up a rather delicate matter concerning an unpleasant odour. He'd noticed it initially when he'd arrived. It was a plain nasty stink that he hadn't been able to locate but when Gibbs had approached him to hand over Elwynn he realised that the stench was clinging to his former boss. Apparently the others weren't aware of it or were too polite to mention it but Tony couldn't resist teasing his mentor.

"Hey Gibbs, what's that awful smell in your hair, I hope it's not a new brand of shampoo cuz it smells sort of like puke,"

The End

End Notes: *Geoffrey Rush is an Oscar winning actor of similar build to Fornell (Joe Spano. ) He starred in Shine, Elizabeth, Shakespeare in Love, Pirates of the Caribbean, The Kings Speech .

* * *

Burning questions destined to remain unanswered

* * *

Will Director Vance remember to get his next Anti Attack of Conscience Vaccine along with the Swine Flu Inoculation?

Will Dornie, while wiping clean Gibbs old computer find the old fake photo of DiNozzo as a gay cowboy and leap to the wrong conclusion and make a move on Tony?

Will Diane get an annulment from her marriage to Tim based on spousal abandonment and seduce the prison warden into marrying her instead?

Will Diane sue Tim for financial breach of promise and demand half of his income?

Will McGee's habit of continually journaling to cope with the injustice of his incarceration be misinterpreted by his fellow inmates as his intention to write a tell all book about his life in the slammer?

Will Fornell ever manage to get a pair of trousers to fit him again and will he ever be able to re-qualify with his firearm?

Will Senior develop a melanoma or squamous cell sarcoma on his ass from too much sun exposure?

Will Gibbs ever get enough time to wash the puke and poop out of his hair and body or will Tony have to buy him a years' supply of industrial strength deodorant and shampoo?

Will Toby end up with the Geoffrey Rush butt implant?

Will Tony decide to compose a Code of Conduct for Senior Agents to live by in leading the MCRT and will rule #1 be not to act like a butthole to his baby agents and steal their stuff?

Will Rule #2 be to teach the team to work smarter not harder so that they can all have enough down time to pursue healthy and meaningful relationships with other people outside of work?

Will Fornell and Emily ever move out of Gibbs' house or will he be stuck with them?

Will Gibbs in a fit of pique decide that because the triplets aren't following his rules (with the exception of # 15) that he needs to come up with some new set of Papa's Rules and will the old # 51 become the new # 1?

Will Mike Franks realise that the hypocrisy of him acting as Gibbs' celestial conscience/moral compass is as ludicrous as Hannibal Lector giving cooking tips vegans and disappear off to haunt the scumbags he never managed to kill?

Will Rachel Cranston ever get her head outta her ass and see the irony in taking advice on dealing with her own grief and closure issues over her sister's death from the pinup boy of unresolved grief and anger and go and get some professional grief counselling?

Will Gibbs ever get time to go back to his secret cabin now that he has the triplets or will a family of blue grass loving, banjo playing beavers take up squatting rights there instead? Okay I'm gonna stop this now… it is getting silly… everyone knows that beavers don't play banjos, they absolutely prefer harmonicas and fiddles.


End file.
